Casting Spells

 

Hubble bubble, toil and trouble…

 

I’m relatively new to writing my own spells. I’ve been making charm pouches or doing small scale candle rituals for years, but as far as spells with multiple components done with the works (as in casting a circle and doing them at my altar) I’ve stuck to ones written by more experienced witches. Since the New Year I’ve been trying to write my own.

There’s nothing wrong with using other people’s methods; think of it like following a recipe. However, there are so many different ways of casting spells and so many different things you could use. I’m most comfortable working with runes and herbs so I incorporate those into most of my rituals and spells, whereas I’m less comfortable working with crystals so I tend to avoid using them. I feel very attuned to the element of fire so I do a lot of candle magic, whereas some people prefer to work with water. There’s also practical issues; I do my spells in my bedroom and my circle is about a metre across so there’s only so much movement I can incorporate into them. I’d also love to do more spells outdoors, but living in the third rainiest city in England doesn’t lend itself to outdoor rituals. Not to mention the neighbours.

A pretty solid structure for ‘spell building’ is to first know what your intent is. Say you wanted to do a spell to help you with an English exam – break that down into what you need to do well. Some key things would be communication, confidence, and a bit of good luck! Next choose what you prefer to work with; going with my preferences it would be things like runes, herbs and candles.

So first, some runes:

Uruz – for overcoming challenges

Kenaz – for knowlegde and inspiration

Fehu – for success

Anzus – for communication

In order we have uruz (for overcoming challenges), kenaz (for knowledge and inspiration), fehu (for success) and ansuz (for communication). All good things for an exam!

Some herbs that might be useful include:

• Cinnamon – success
• Bay leaves – luck
• Nutmeg – luck
• Rosemary – improves focus
• Cloves – success
• Eyebright – confidence, wisdom
• Bluebell – communication

As for candles, I try to find one with a colour that represents what I need. At a pinch white can be used to replace any colour (after all, white contains the whole colour spectrum), but for continuing with this example I’d use yellow (for confidence and intellect) or red (for success).

Now to make all this into a spell you need to find a way to put it all together. You could carve the runes onto your candles and chant their names while visualising receiving good results, or write your own incantation praying for good luck and success. You could incorporate herbs by putting them into a pouch and keeping it in your pocket during your exam. As I say, it’s all about finding something that feels right. All spells are an amalgamation of different components to create certain energies – again, just like a recipe. You start with your individual ingredients then put them together in different ways to make something!

So there you have it. Spellcasting really isn’t all that difficult; it’s all about using what you have at your disposal and focusing your intent to get what you want. Following other people’s rituals are a brilliant place to start but don’t be afraid to tweak them, or if you can’t find one that works for you then write your own! There are a lot of fantastic sources online on the magical meaning of herbs, and Soraya’s Witch’s Companion has a detailed section on different components and their meanings that can be used in rituals. I will be doing a post on my tumblr account of some handy witchcraft blogs, so be sure to check that out if you want some more sources!

Blessed Be )0(

Nazis: Don’t Ruin Our Runes

Appropriation of religious symbols is unfortunately neither unusual or new – a particularly prominent example in recent years is the appropriation of Native American religious attire at festivals. While the damages of this kind of ignorant appropriation are well worth discussing (I’ll provide some links below of informative articles on the topic), this post focuses on appropriation of a more sinister kind; one that affects me very personally. That is the racist appropriation of pagan symbols by Neo-Nazi and other fascist groups.

This isn’t a new thing either. Most, if not all, symbols now associated with Nazism were pilfered from religious traditions. The swastika itself is originally a Hindu symbol of good fortune, and was used in religions worldwide. In some traditions, it is a sun symbol, in some it is a symbol of eternity. Never, until the Nazis claimed it, was it used to represent racial superiority. I wish I had known this when I went past a house near mine belonging to a Hindu family that had small swastikas designed into the glass above the door! The Iron Cross also has Celtic origins; the equidistant cross represents (among other things) the meeting between the material and the ethereal, and the main four festivals of the Wheel of the Year (which makes it particularly relevant to Wiccans and other modern pagan traditions that celebrate traditional Celtic festivals).

However, in recent times Neo-Nazis are more discreet than having a swastika-emblazoned armband. Which leads me to the main matter – the more symbols become well-known, the more these groups appropriate them to their cause. Many modern groups have taken to using runes as symbols of their hatred. Two in particular jump to mind:

This is tyr, which is a symbol of honour and justice. I think it’s pretty obvious what a perversion it is for literal Nazis to use any symbol associated with justice.

This is elhaz (also known as algiz or the Life rune). It denotes protection.

 

There are many more runes sneaking into white-power circles – othala (meaning the home/family), nied (meaning determination), fehu (abundance, power)… Runes in particular are a problem as pagans from many traditions use runes in their magic. Reading runes is a form of divination (I have a bag of runes myself that I use to answer questions), and as potent symbols of desirable things many wear them as charms. Some even have them tattooed, which can cause a whole lot of problems during things like screening for the armed forces. I had very seriously considered having runes tattooed on my fingers until I became aware of this.

I’d imagine the reasoning behind using predominantly Celtic and Norse symbolism stems from these being largely white countries; white power groups have tried to make the heritage of white-majority countries synonymous with white supremacy. There are two parts to the message they are trying to get across with using ancient symbols rather than creating their own; firstly, this is our culture. On its own, there’s nothing wrong with that. The real issue comes from the second part – it’s better than yours.

And honestly there’s nothing anyone can say to that other than ‘Get fucked.’

Blessed Be )0(

 

Posts about cultural appropriation:
https://www.thoughtco.com/cultural-appropriation-and-why-iits-wrong-2834561
https://thetab.com/2016/04/05/dreadlocks-white-people-83996
http://everydayfeminism.com/2014/08/honor-native-americans-without-appropriating/

 

Back to Blogging

Not that anyone has particularly noticed, but this blog has been pretty dead recently. Well, completely dead. I’ve not looked at it for months. But seeing as I’ve recently found myself with a lot more time on my hands (read as: I quit my job), I’ve decided to get back to it with a bit more vigour.

Quite a bit has changed. The main thing – I’m going back to uni. And this time round I’ll be studying Law, which is quite a big change! Oh, and I wrote a book. It’s been languishing in my files because so far no one has taken an interest in representing it to publishers, but it is a book nonetheless. So this blog will still be about writing, and it will definitely have some wondering (mainly along the lines of what am I doing with my life?!). What I’m hoping for is to make it a bit more about witchcraft – as a Solitary, I’m a little shy about sharing my rituals, but I feel like I’m ready to do so now and share a bit more about my spiritual journey. I know I wouldn’t be where I am now without witchcraft blogs, so I’d like to give something back. Who knows? Maybe an inexperienced witchling will get something out of it.

Also, less reviews. As in, no reviews. I don’t really know why I started doing them in all honesty, so if you want reviews look elsewhere.

I’m aiming to post every Friday, and I’m also setting up a tumblr page under the same name where you’ll find all my posts as well as sharing anything else related to writing and witchcraft (probably with a bit of politics thrown in – I’m a massive lefty, you have been warned!). Hopefully this blogging attempt will be a bit more coherent, but we’ll see how it goes!

Blessed Be )0(

 

Attitudes towards addicts

This is something that has been preoccupying me for a while, starting from an incident at work. The cafe I work at gets rid of the sandwiches at the end of every day, and I absolutely hate food going to waste so instead I started packaging them up and giving them to the homeless people of the high street on my way home. One of my work mates aired his opinions about that; apparently, I was being naive. According to him, most of the homeless were only there because they would rather spend their money on drugs and alcohol. They have plenty of money for food, but they prioritise destructive habits.

It’s not a particularly shocking revelation that he thought that way; a lot of other people at work agreed to some extent. Others have said that some of the homeless deserve the help while others are just making stupid choices and therefore don’t deserve sympathy. It’s something I’ve heard time and time again. And it upsets me, because quite frankly I don’t care what choices lead to them being in their position, they don’t deserve to die. Having an addiction shouldn’t condemn anyone to starve on the streets. I don’t care what they choose to spend their money on; not one of them deserves that. It seems ridiculous to me that having that opinion apparently makes me so radically left wing? I am firmly of the opinion that an addiction is a disease; no one is making the conscious decision to be so utterly dependent on drugs that they would sacrifice the roof over their heads and put up with so much degradation from the public. It is beyond me how people can have so little compassion for people in such an awful position.

Lets be real; addiction is a form of self-harm. When you would rather spend your money on drugs that have a devastating toll on your health, that is self harm. It is an illness and should be treated as such. Now, I agree that the only person who can break the cycle of any mental illness is the person suffering from it, but help and compassion make a hell of a lot of difference. The worst thing I see is people who I know have suffered from mental illness and have self-harmed having no sympathy for addicts, saying it is their own fault and that their decisions are stupid. I self-harmed. And yes, it was a bad decision and I knew it wasn’t good for me. Did that stop me? Not for a long time, and the temptation to relapse was there even longer. Even though is has been around four years since I stopped, the urge still resurfaces every now and again. Every one who has ever self-harmed knows this, and addiction is exactly the same. For both addiction and physical self-harm, one bad decision can escalate until it takes over your life and becomes the only way you can get through a day. You don’t stop to think whether it is logical or not. So surely you’d think people who had been through this would be empathetic? Unfortunately this is not always the case.

I’m really not trying to shame people with this little rant, but I hope this might make people rethink their attitude towards any addict, especially those whose addiction has lead to them becoming homeless. It isn’t as simple as ‘they are the ones choosing to spend their money on drugs so it’s their fault’. While I have never been addicted to any substance, I feel deeply empathetic towards those who do. Self-destruction is something that coincides with many mental disorders. Anyone who exhibits this behaviour isn’t doing it because they want to be a burden on society and get their hands on your spare change. There is a myriad of reasons for addiction and self-harm. But I think it is undeniable that it all stems from some sort of pain, and that always deserves compassion. Apathy is our worst enemy.

Blessed be )O(

A witch’s writing tips

Hi folks, sorry for the massive lack in updates for the past few weeks! I’ve not been in a great place lately but I’ve taken a few days off work so hopefully I’ll be more active from now on. These past few days have been a bit of a struggle; the first day I was off work I could barely get out of bed at all. But thankfully in the past couple of days I’ve been feeling a bit more motivated and put my time to good use; I got some fresh flowers for my Ostara altar, I made some lavender lemonade, I caught up with two of my best friends and most significantly – I wrote.

Anyone who aspires to be a writer (at least the majority of those I know or have spoken to) will tell you that being a writer involves a lot of not writing. Writer’s block is less of an occasional problem and more a consistent state of being. And let me tell you, no one can procrastinate like a writer can. I’m not exactly what you could call a professional writer; my writing has never been in so much as a school paper. But I have been writing for a hell of a long time, so I’m hoping I can share some tips on what helps me in terms of finding motivation to write.

1. Keep a notepad with you ALWAYS

This is a fairly common piece of advice, but honestly; KEEP IT WITH YOU. Most of my best ideas for phrases and descriptions and characters come to me in the middle of the night, so I keep my notepad next to my bed so I can write them straight away. It doesn’t necessarily need to be a notepad; I have a friend who has a notes folder on her phone dedicated to dreams that she can use in her stories. I prefer a notepad but if you are more technologically-minded than I am (which to be honest, most people under 70 are) then that’s a great alternative. Write anything that catches your eye, even if it doesn’t fit into to what you’re working on at the time. I’ve had customers at work who have inspired characters that I’ve scribbled on my break or on the bus home – characters I’ve not yet used and maybe never will. But it’s a great resource to have if you’re ever stuck for characters, settings or a nice way to round off a paragraph.

2. Make playlists for your characters

This is a rather subjective piece of advice, but it really works for me. I have Youtube playlists for just about everything, including my characters; some of the songs are chosen for the lyrics, as I’ve found that they sum up a characters’s personality or relationship perfectly; some are chosen purely on the music, as the sound works well for their emotions and mental state. I’ve made some for individual characters, some for romantic relationships between characters, some for platonic relationships between characters… I find it really helpful in terms of getting into a character’s mindset. This won’t work for everyone, but if you’re like me and music can massively influence your mood then it’s ideal. The only danger is that it can become very distracting – if you find yourself spending hours searching for more songs to add and no time actually writing, then it might not be working!

An individual character… and not the nicest!

 3. Do Myers-Briggs (or other personality tests) for your characters

This is one of the first things I do when planning a story. The humanmetrics Myers-Briggs test is my go-to for this, but essentially any personality test will do; simply answer the questions how you imagine your character would and see what they come out as. I find this useful in ensuring that my characters have distinctive personalities, as it gives me a clearer image of how they would react to certain situations, how they would interact with each other and their motivating factors.

4. Moodboards

This is great for both settings and characters; I have a powerpoint for my moodboards, with each slide being dedicated to a character or place.All I do is search for images that form an impression of the place or character, using sites like Google images, Deviantart and Tumblr. For example, one of the settings in the piece I’m currently working on is a divey bar, so I have pictures of old jukeboxes, bars smashed up after brawls and scuffed furniture. Sometimes if you really can’t think of what to do, just describing some of the images you have can give you the push you need to write
more.

 5. Even if you don’t have motivation, write anyway

Definitely easier said than done, but sometimes it really is the only way. I have written pages that I think are complete crap at the time and have taken me hours, but when I’ve looked back
on them in a more positive mood have actually been pretty good! You’re not always going to be motivated, but if you wait for inspiration for strike then you could be waiting for a while. However, if you just write something anyway – even if it’s rubbish and you end up changing it all – it can spur you on to do better later. My recommendation is to never delete what you’ve written immediately after writing it; leave it for a day, then come back to it and read it over. If you still don’t think it works, then you can change it. But for me, at least 70% of the time parts that I’ve thought were terrible were, on reflection, not as bad as I thought!

So, I hope this has been vaguely helpful to any aspiring writers out there! I feel like this post might be a bit messy and rough around the edges, but I’m hoping to be back in the swing of posting regularly again.

Blessed be )O(

Horror Hound Review: 100 Tears

SPOILER ALERT

I have a confession to make, one that is really going to make me sound like a psychopath – there is very little in this world that makes me happier than lashings of fake blood. Which is why awful B-movies like this one are hugely enjoyable to me despite the lack of decent acting and any plotline. It follows the old chestnut of a killer clown with a giant meatcleaver going on a rampage and leaving a trail of blood and guts in his wake while two amateur reporters are on his tail. It is one massive gore fest, heads lopped off and intestines spilling out and throats slashed every two minutes, so if you’re like me and every now and then you just want a stupid slasher movie that’s entertaining without you having to pay too much attention, this is the one for you. I’ve watched this while off work with a splitting headache and what is basically down to working too hard so it was ideal. If you want a plot line and believable character development, don’t bother.

100 Tears isn’t actually a particularly scary film; Gerty the Clown is sinister enough but who isn’t creeped out by a painted smile and bloodstained circus attire? There were a couple of attempts at building up tension, notably in the finale scenes in the warehouse, but they didn’t really take off. There’s only so many times a clown creeping up behind someone while raising a bloody meatcleaver can make me hold my breath. But believe me, it is gory and I did find myself squirming in my seat. Which after so many horror films isn’t that easy to do. But when the director is in fact a special effects artist, you can expect all the visuals to be great. I was worried when I first started watching it that the effects were going to be terrible because it was clearly very low-budget, but it just goes to show that you don’t need huge sums of money to have stunningly, stomach-churningly good effects.

Another plus was the friendship between the two reporters, Jennifer and Mark. It’s a bit tragic that one of the most believable portrayals of a male/female friendship without the whole ‘are they/aren’t they going to get it on’ crap comes from a pretty low-budget slasher film, but it made me so happy. Jennifer threatening to ‘shit on his pillow’ after Mark farts at her? That is how friends act around each other. Note to Hollywood; women are absolutely grim 80% of the time. Trust me; my female friends have threatened to shit through my letterbox, woken me up by farting on me and have licked my food. And Jennifer is a gorgeous and career-driven woman at the same time… yes, it is possible! Who knew?

But there were a couple of things that let it down for me. The acting from the leads was fairly sound, but the extras were bordering on atrocious. I don’t know about them, but I’d be reacting with a lot more fear if a bulky guy in full clown regalia came running at me down a corridor with a ridiculously over sized cleaver. And they honestly managed to fall over everything. A lot of the fight/escape attempts were pretty poorly executed; it felt like they weren’t judged very well and people were almost having to wait around for Gerty to catch up with them. The scene in which Mark is fighting with Gerty in the warehouse was the worst for me; he literally runs up and down about a foot away from Gerty, who manages to hit just about everything apart from him. It was clumsily coordinated and that made it a bit awkward to watch.

My final thought is on Christine, who turns out to be Gerty’s daughter and joins him on a killing spree at the end. I really can’t decide how I feel about her character. On one level, I loved it. She had absolutely no remorse and while Gerty carries out his kills in a detached, emotionless way, she is clearly loving every second. But she was basically a carbon copy of Harley Quinn, blond pigtails and all. I adore Harley Quinn so of course I loved Christine, but from a reviewing perspective it was just really unoriginal. And killer clown and cute girl killing combo is going to have a Harley/Joker vibe, but I just thought they could have altered her a little bit to make it not quite so obvious.

So all in all, decent film which is great to watch if you don’t feel like concentrating too hard and just want a gore fest. Brilliant practical effects that were honestly the highlight of the film, a pretty badass villain, some good characters and Voltaire pops up on the soundtrack which I was very excited about! Just don’t go into this expecting it to be anything too phenomenal.

How to be a Wiccan 101

Hint: there is no hard and fast way to be a Wiccan.

There are many, many different ways to be a Wiccan, even more to be a pagan and even more to be a witch. And I am getting a little bit sick and tired of reading books that tell you that you must do a b c, or believe in x y z to be a ‘good’ Wiccan.

I’m also getting sick and tired of writers conflating Wicca, witchcraft and paganism. THEY ARE NOT EXCHANGEABLE TERMS. I can forgive someone who is new to these concepts, but people who write Wiccan/pagan/witchcraft based books? Not so much. I’m not claiming to know everything, but I am going to try and set the record straight especially to newer Wiccans, pagans and witches who are worried they’re ‘doing it wrong’. I was there for quite a while myself, trust me.

Look at this happy lil witch. You think she’s being told what to do?

First of all, the terms Wicca, witchcraft and paganism are often used interchangeably by writers, but they don’t mean the same thing. Paganism is a blanket term for any belief system that doesn’t subscribe to the major world religions, often with a higher focus on nature worship. Wicca is just one branch of paganism, and even that has many sub-sections. Think about it like this; within Christianity, you have loads of denominations. Protestant, Catholic, Quaker, etc. And within those, you have even more; within Protestantism you have evangelical Protestants, Methodists, Calvinists, the list goes on. Assuming every Wiccan believes exactly the same thing is like lumping all Protestants together, and assuming all pagans are Wiccan is like assuming every Christian is Catholic. Just because it is the biggest denomination doesn’t mean it is the only one. Witchcraft, although it is mostly pagans who practice it, is actually a secular practice. You can be any religion, or even an atheist, and still practice witchcraft. I know some Catholic witches who incorporate the angels and saints into their craft. I know some Wiccans who don’t practice at all. So while you can be all three (like I am), you don’t have to be, and you shouldn’t assume that people are.

Now that the definitions are out of the way, another problem I’ve often seen in Wiccan writings is the the tendency to tell people that their way of practicing is the right way. That is the problem I have with organised religion, and why I was so drawn to Wicca in the first place, so it’s frustrating to see it is still present. By all means, tell readers about the Wiccan Rede, describe the Wheel of the Year and give suggestions of how to celebrate them, explain the Rule of Three. But make it clear that these are Wiccan beliefs and not all pagans follow them. Some pagans don’t believe in karma and therefore think cursing is appropriate in some circumstances. I certainly don’t and as far as I’m aware, the laws of karma are central to Wiccan systems so it is unlikely that you’ll meet a Wiccan who is okay with cursing, but that is just Wicca, not paganism in general. I really can’t stress that enough.

I’ve read books in which Wiccan writers have stated it as an absolute necessity that you are ‘initiated’ into Wicca, whether by a self-dedication ritual or in a coven ceremony, and I absolutely disagree. I think it is a beautiful thing to do if you can do it properly, but when I was a young witchling I was convinced that none of my spells would work and I couldn’t do any rituals at all unless I had done this ceremony. So I bought myself some jasmine oil (which by the way is pretty damn expensive, and I was a highschool student without a job at this point) and sat myself down to perform this ritual, trying to get my head in the right place and feel this rush of power and transform into a Wiccan. It was honestly the worst ritual I have ever performed. I was stressed out because I  I wanted to do a ritual for Samhain but thought I had to do this first, my parents came home halfway through and were hurrying me to come down because they had brought food home, and I had to rush through it. I thought I had somehow failed and couldn’t be a real Wiccan. But I went ahead with my Samhain ritual anyway. And it was incredible. I always count that as my first ritual, and it was such a moving experience I ended up crying while I prayed. That was when I realised I had been a Wiccan right from the start. I believe that when you say to yourself, ‘This is the right path for me, I am a Wiccan.’ and you know in your heart that it your true faith, then that is all the initiation you need. If you want to mark the occasion with a dedication rite, that is up to you. I just don’t think it is necessary; Wicca isn’t an elite club. It is a religion. The God and Goddess aren’t going to ignore you if you haven’t performed an extravagant ritual to join the ‘real’ Wiccans. Do what feels right.

I hope you have found this useful, especially if you are new to or are considering becoming a Wiccan, pagan or witch and are unsure where to start. You don’t have to buy a lot of expensive tools just because it says so in a book, you don’t have to perform spells exactly how they are set down and you certainly don’t have to do anything that doesn’t feel right to you. I’m not saying that these books are useless; they were a great starting point for me in terms of realising my faith and in terms of the magical properties of herbs, stones and symbols they are insanely useful, but I wish someone had told me all this before I understood it myself. I’ve come to realise that to only hard and fast rule in Wicca is to harm no one, so as long as you stick to that as far as possible then you’re all set.

Blessed be )O(

Dursley’s Drag Adventures

Sometimes my life feels like a big gay sitcom. One of those times was last week in which I had decided to drag up from the day to meet my friends.

Space boi trash. Fox Mulder would be proud.

When I got home I found out my grandad had popped in and the problems started; the only reason I had planned to drag that particular day is that I knew – or thought – I would be home alone. The logical thing to do would be to not drag… but as I have mentioned before, I am very stubborn. Today was a drag day. So I say hello, make him a brew and go upstairs to get ready. At the ready in all my space-nerd draggage glory, I of course had to take a quick selfie and planned to leave… when I hear another voice from downstairs. Turns out my auntie and her baby have turned up too. To make matters worse, I’d left my mp3 in the kitchen and there is no question of me getting on a bus without music. So I hover on the stairs for a while and then tiptoe down, sneak around the pram, grab my mp3 and then fly out the door yelling “Sorry, can’t stop, late for the bus!” and leg it down the road. Let me tell you, running is not comfortable when your tits are strapped down with ballet tights.

By the way, I don’t recommend binding with tights unless it’s for a very short period. It’s awkward as hell to get out of, which isn’t great if you do what I did and nearly collapsed in a queue outside comicon. Although it does feel like I’m sticking my middle finger up at the hell-hole of a dance school I bought them from!

Who doesn’t love some Halloween drag fun?

All this got me thinking about how odd my family is in the lines they draw at what is and what isn’t appropriate. My parents literally let me practice witchcraft and perform Pagan rituals in my room, but I have been told – and I quote – that cross-dressing is where they draw the line, after I made a joke about it when I was practicing my outfit for comicon. Even if I am not in drag, if I wear baggy jeans or what is known as my ‘lesbian jumper’ I’ll get some sort of irritated comment from them. A personal favourite was ‘If we’re going out for tea can you a least dress like a girl?’, which was followed by me digging my suit out of my wardrobe. I really don’t understand who I’m hurting if I present myself in a more masculine way every once in a while. There’s some days when that is far more comfortable to me. I’m starting to question whether I might be more genderfluid than anything because although the majority of the time I identify as a woman, I do have days when I just feel like a guy and I’m far happier if I can dress to reflect that.

First time I dragged up… and a King was born.

 

Really, gender is an odd thing when you think about it. And it’s great that non-binary people and androgynous styles are becoming more and more mainstream, but while these attitudes about clothing having a gender in the first place are so common it will always be difficult. For example, all the coverage of Jaden Smith has applauded him for his bravery in wearing ‘women’s clothes’, and while I agree with the message that he’s doing a brilliant job of breaking down barriers in what men can and cannot wear, there’s a problem in calling them ‘women’s clothes’. They’re pieces of cloth. They have no damn gender. The gendering of inanimate objects is what causes these barriers to exist in the first place, so surely avoiding that language when you praise someone for ignoring those barriers would be a better course of action

All the complex politics of gender aside, I like to wear drag sometimes. Especially after being told that if Derek Hales and Stiles Stilinski from Teen Wolf had a child, I would be it. So Elliot Stilinksi might have to be a secret from a lot of my family, but he’s definitely sticking around.

 

Horror Hound Review: Starry Eyes

(CONTAINS MILD SPOILERS)

Starry Eyes was quite a strange choice for my first film review. It’s definitely high up on my list of great horror films, but if someone asked me for my favourites it probably wouldn’t cross my mind. It’s not the cleverest, the scariest or the goriest film I’ve ever watched. And yet something about it really sticks in my mind. Clark Collis in EW says that while ‘What is the price of fame?’ isn’t a particularly original question, the answer given in Starry Eyes certainly is. It is so devastatingly bleak; the corruption of the Hollywood elite, how much of herself the protagonist Sarah has to sacrifice to achieve her ambitions and the effects this has on her in both a mental and physical way form a very cynical outlook on the film industry.

What makes it so original however, is that Sarah is not just the manipulated victim; she wasn’t pushed very hard into homicidal insanity. Her own monstrous ambition did most of the work. Even when she realises what it is doing to her, she keeps going forward. The part of the film that really shook me and has stayed with me vividly is the image of Sarah crawling towards the phone, covered in blood and filth, emaciated and with her hair and teeth falling out and screaming ‘I’m dying!’ to the sinister producer who simply cackles with laughter. It might sound pompous and ridiculous, but after reading Heart of Darkness, it reminds me of Kurtz’s final exclamation of ‘The horror!’. For me it’s always the simplest phrases the have the greatest impact, and the sheer desperation in her voice is haunting. Really, Alex Essoe’s performance is brilliant. Sarah isn’t necessarily all that likable, but she is believable in all her vulnerability and anger and insecurity. There’s something engaging about her as a character; she is infuriating, but she falls apart so spectacularly that you can’t help but be fascinated.

However, it must be said that there were a couple of things in the film that really irked me; the first being how stereotypical the Director’s assistant was. Scary, sterile and German. It seemed like a massive cop out the try and add a feeling of threat with such a cliche. The second was the random gay ‘kiss’ (if that’s the right word – watch it and you’ll get what I mean) between Sarah and Tracy at the end. I know, me, complaining about a lesbian scene? Unheard of. But this seemed forced and unnecessary. I think the idea was to show how Sarah’s transformation had altered her and she can now take control of a situation? I don’t know, it just felt like it was thrown in for cheap shock value. But they don’t make much of a negative impact on an otherwise great film. Apart from these cliched moments, the scares are built up with an atmospheric soundtrack and a build up of tension and emotion as Sarah is constantly knocked down by rejection, a monotonous job and passive-aggressive friends. You might not like her – I certainly didn’t. But you go start feeling like you’re going mad with her.

Horror reviews are a bit odd to do; fear is so subjective, and although I’ve watched exactly 183 horror films in my life (yes, I’ve counted. I’m a nerd) I’m quite easy to scare. But this unsettled me on a far deeper level than jump scares and if you want a film that is gory as  well as psychologically horrifying then I’d definitely recommend Starry Eyes.

Re-coming out?!

I came out as bisexual about two years ago – actually, I dived out of the proverbial closet in a cloud of rainbow glitter and was about as open about it as you can possibly be. Seriously, I was out to everyone from my hairdresser to my French teacher. I didn’t really give anyone an announcement – I just started to casually talk about female celebrities I found hot and then told people when I had a girlfriend. No one was surprised. In fact, it turns out most people knew before I did. I know for a lot of people coming out is a difficult – sometimes painful – experience. But I loved it. Sure, it was harder with my family and there was a large element of fear involved, but the more people I came out to, to more connected to myself I felt. People were finally seeing me for who I was. I was finally figuring out what these horrible, confusing feelings that had messed me up all through high school meant – and I realised there was nothing wrong with me…

So what happens when you start questioning all over again?

Identifying as a lesbian has been a recent thing – literally as of about two weeks ago. I’ve known since the start I was mostly attracted to girls, often explaining my bisexuality as ‘97% into girls, 3% into guys’. You wouldn’t think going up another 3% would be a big deal, but for me it really was for a number of reasons.

Firstly, it was such a struggle for my family to accept that bisexuality even existed that I almost felt like they would feel vindicated in that belief if I re-came out as a lesbian. The idea that my experience perpetuates the idea that bisexuality is a ‘phase’, or bisexual people are ‘confused’ was something I hated, and still do hate. I have never experienced any particular difficulty identifying as queer, but identifying as bisexual caused me some problems. Biphobia is such a real issue. In fact, most of my family were under the impression that I was a lesbian from the start, purely because it would cause so much drama trying to explain bisexuality to a lot of them. It was frustrating, but one advantage is that I don’t have to now re-come out to them!

Another reason it took such a lot of struggling to re-come out was the fact that a lot of my friends would make a lot of comments like ‘Are you sure you aren’t a lesbian? You might as well say you are, you like girls way more than guys’. And it pissed me off. People shouldn’t assume that they know more about someone’s sexuality than they do. It’s no one’s business but mine how I choose to identify. Having so many people say these sorts of things meant that I spent a lot of time wondering whether considering identifying as a lesbian was the result of being told I should so often. Something else I hated the idea of. I pride myself in being independent-minded. I didn’t want to be subconsciously pressured into something. It took a long time to decide if it was truly me who was making the decision behind re-coming out. I am very, very stubborn. I don’t let myself get pushed into these things, and again – it was the idea of the people who had made those comments thinking they were right to do so. It isn’t right. Maybe once would have been okay, but when I say ‘No. I’m happy identifying as bi.’ just leave it alone! Heteronormativity and the constant brainwashing of a thousand other societal values makes it difficult enough to make an informed decision on what you choose to identify as. I don’t need the people I care about to make it any harder.

I realise there will be people reading this thinking what’s the big deal? It’s just a word! I don’t need to restrict myself to a label! But here’s the thing; some people can go through their lives not using labels, or using something more all-encompassing such as ‘queer’. And that’s great! But there are people who like the clarity of having a word to claim. People like me. I am concise with my words. Hell, I’m a writer! Words are important to me! So I need the right one for something as intrinsic to who I am as my sexuality. And I need to make sure it is my choice. So it feels like a huge relief to be able to say proudly that I am a lesbian, that identifying as bisexual was no more or less valid, and that people need to let people to come to that decision on their own.

… Although all that being said, maybe ‘homoflexible’ is better. I might be a lesbian, but if an offer came up from David Tennant I wouldn’t say no!

Blessed be )O(